This one isn't pretty ladies.
Well, I guess I should say guys too.
If you look around, you see women everywhere. What you don't see is what those women have been through. This is my toughest post yet -- still I want to share this with you so that you may have a glimpse of what this really feels like.
July 28th 2020 -- that's the day we found out we were expecting our second baby. We were scared out of our minds. This was not the kind of scared that I was when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. This was different. I knew that we couldn't do it, considering our situation at that very moment.
I had just quit my job only a month before and not to mention -- we were in mid-pandemic. I don't believe those two things usually combine and create the best outcome.
We laid in bed wondering what exactly we were going to do. Conflicted was not even the word to describe how we were feeling. Weighing our options, we decided that adoption would just be too hard for us. I know that adoption seems like the only option for some people, but for us it felt the most cruel. I couldn't imagine being in the position one day to tell this baby why I could take care of my first baby (their sibling) but couldn't do the same for them. It didn't feel right, and because we knew that we couldn't keep this baby, our only other option was the dreaded... A-word.
I have never been one to judge other women for their choice to not keep their babies, whether it was adoption or abortion. I can't see why they are making their decision so in my eyes, there's nothing that I can possibly judge. When I gave birth to my daughter I told myself that if I had another baby I would definitely keep it. I couldn't picture aborting or letting someone else love and take care of the life my body worked so hard to create. But as I previously stated, this was different. If I knew that I could give this baby the care that it so truly deserved, I would've made a different choice.
Nevertheless, I quickly called around to get all the necessary information that was needed to start the process. We're still in mid-pandemic so everything is hard to come by. Having an abortion was one of those things. I was told that because of the virus, surgical abortion was not an option. Needless to say, I had to take what was called "the abortion pill".
I made the appointment and when I arrived all of these emotions filled my body. I was afraid, embarrassed, sad, relieved and so many other emotions that if I shared, I'd need a legal pad. I walked in, and completed all the necessary paperwork then they took me back to the room where they did an ultrasound, drew my blood and last but certainly not least, the doctor administered the pill. There were technically 5 pills I had to take. One was to be taken right there and the other 4 at home. I took the initial pill, got my instructions and went home. I was given pictures from the ultrasound, and although I agreed to take them they made me feel more sad and conflicted, even guilty for what I had just done.
I went home and the next day I put those 4 pills in my cheeks and let them dissolve for what felt like forever. After the 30 minutes were up, I swallowed what was left..
My instructions told me that I would feel the effects within an hour but I BEG to differ. I immediately felt excruciating pain. Pain so bad that I physically could not walk. I felt like I was going to die. When the pregnancy came out, I saw the fetus. It hadn't really developed at all (as I was only 6 weeks along) but I knew what I was seeing instantly. It was hard to look at, but I knew it was for the best. The pain dwindled and became very faint, but lasted for a couple of weeks. I had some bleeding and spotting and as I write this I am still feeling the aftermath.
Reflecting over the last month, I am so thankful that I had my boyfriend there for the entire process. Although I am WOMAN and women are incredible creatures, I know that I needed him there. I think every woman should have a confidant with them in extreme cases like these. One of the hardest parts about this whole experience was my daughter's look of horror and confusion when she saw mommy crawling on the bathroom floor in agony. We tried distracting her but I knew that she wanted to make sure I was okay and would’ve stayed by my side if she was allowed. I couldn't let her see more than she saw. Heck, I didn't want to see what I saw.
So, you see. Abortions are not just a quick trip to the clinic. They can be horrifying, sad, humiliating depressing, and intense. They are still felt days, weeks and months later. At the time, I felt naked. Like everyone could see it all written on my forehead. Hello, I just had an abortion.
To every woman that has had an abortion -- or even those that haven't but maybe had to consider it, I stand with you. I wish abortion didn't have to be looked down on, because although it can be all of those horrible words I listed above, it can also be a saving grace. A second chance for someone. This was our second chance to create a life that is more successful so that when we do decide to try for another baby, we will be able to provide everything that baby rightly deserves.
To the men who have or will experience a women miscarry or have to abort, please be kind. Do everything you can for them and please listen to them. It costs nothing to lend a listening ear.
That's all.
Thanks for reading.
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